I posted on my instastories a few weeks ago that I had been struggling a bit recently. Particularly at work. I had become very self-conscious and lacking massively in confidence since returning to work part time, after having Munchkin no2.
As time has gone on, my confidence hasn’t improved and I have been finding myself feeling demoralised at the end of most shifts, questioning my decisions, and even my ability to do the job. I have always been confident in my job roles, so this is completely alien and uncomfortable to me.
The night before a shift, without fail I sleep poorly, and am then tired and anxious before going into work, already playing scenarios out in my head and trying to figure out what the appropriate way to respond to each situation could be. I then go on to spend the shift overthinking everything, even down to which conversations to get involved in.
After a lot of long discussions with hubby, and overcoming my reluctance to admit defeat, we have decided that it will be better, both for me and the family if I give up work all together until Munchkin no2 is school age and then look to go back to work then.
Currently hubby and I work opposite shifts and opposite weekends, which means that at the moment, unless one of us takes annual leave we have very little time together as a family, it’s always just one of us at home while the other one works. We also don’t get a lot of couple time together.
I have spent the last month working my notice. I have 2 shifts left to work. I am nervous and excited, in equal measures. I am nervous as the last time I had a long period of time off, I was on maternity leave. I suffered terribly with anxiety, which began when Munchkin no2 was 4 weeks old. It hit me like a bolt out the blue and left me battling physical symptoms. I am telling myself that this was all due to my hormones and it will not happen again.
I have also started to put things in place, such as writing in my diary every night, finishing off with 3 things I’ve handled well that day, or 3 things I’m grateful for. I’ve also been going over my CBT notes again to re-enforce the messages I learnt back then. Just doing this over the last 2 days has boosted me, I think knowing that I am doing something to help myself is enough to calm me.
I’m excited about spending more time with the Munchkins, in particularly no2. As no1 is at school now, no2 is getting the one to one time that she’s been missing out on, having an older sister and all, so I am looking forward developing her speech with her, and doing more activities, just the two of us.
I am also hoping to expand on my blogging somehow. I really enjoy it, and have met some really lovely people, it is something that I have achieved by myself, for myself, and I am proud of it.
So that’s my big announcement! From this Friday I will be a stay at home mum. It’s been a big decision to make, but I think it is a positive move for the whole family.
Thank you all for your continued support, and thank you for reading! X