The not-so-devoted sisters

It was a frayed afternoon in the Munchkin maker household yesterday.

The munchkins seemed to rub each other up the wrong way from the moment they got in the car after school, and it continued right through to dinner and beyond.

It appears that if Mummy isn’t sitting with them at all times, they are unable to control themselves. The minute Mummy steps away to…. I don’t know…. have a wee, it starts!

Mummy was trying to be super organised and simultaneously cook the munchkins’ dinner, pack lunch for the next day and cook a curry from scratch for her and Daddy to eat later.

“She’s taken on too much” I hear you say – and you would be absolutely right!

Mummy likes to have the radio on when she’s in the kitchen, but there was no need for that as she couldn’t hear it anyway over the the sound track of the high pitched screams coming from Munchkin no2! That and the intermittent arrival of each of them in turn to “tell” on the other!

It was a modern day miracle, but Mummy finally managed to get the munchkins’ dinner cooked and sat them down, so thought she’d concentrate on finishing the curry as they ate.

However the munchkins had other ideas and decided to take it in turns to pretend to fall off their chairs, enlisting the help of the other one, who was to run round the table to “rescue” her sister.

After going back and forth from cooking and reminding them to sit nicely and eat their dinner, Mummy turned to see them both looking at the floor, between their chairs. She followed their gaze to find half of Munchkin no2’s dinner scattered beneath them!

Both munchkins did a stint on the quiet spot before dinner was over, then mummy ushered them into the living room.

Daddy, who was upstairs trying to fit a new bath panel heard all of the commotion and stepped in with his “big voice” as mummy tried to reason with them about tidying up the living room and how much it would help her out if they just did what she asked.

Mummy finally gave up and allowed them to go on their tablets, while she ranted about how she never gets to do anything she wants to do, because she’s always either having to sit with them and act as a referee, or is cleaning and doing all the things she can’t get done during the day, when they’re in bed.

Feeling defeated, Mummy went and angry cleaned the kitchen, but later joined the munchkins in the living room, where they both promptly sat on top of her, watching their tablets and she was forced to watch an episode of “pointless” because she couldn’t move to reach the remote!! X

To share or not to share…..


When I started blogging it was something that I had wanted to do for a long time. Something that I wanted to work hard on and be proud of. I was clear from the start that it was something I was doing by myself, for myself.

I knew that I wasn’t going to go down the brand rep line. I sometimes think it’s a little unfair on the children that are being dressed up and photographed while their parents make money. I’ve worded that a little harshly and there is of course other brand rep opportunities out there that don’t involve your children. I don’t judge parents that do go down that route, I just knew that I didn’t want that for my children.


I am very aware that my children currently don’t have a choice what I share about them. I have spoken to my eldest about the videos and photos I take and asked her what she thought about it, and she said “good, but I don’t always want to be in them”

Regarding photos, I try to choose photos that obscure their faces, either slightly or fully. I never use their real names, they are “Munchkin no1 and Munchkin no2” on my blog. Videos are a little harder to obscure, so whenever I do a video I ask my eldest first if she wants to be in them and if she doesn’t I make sure I keep her out of it, if she does I still try not to get her face in it.


With my youngest, she’s a bit less aware and just wanders in and out, so I try to keep her face out of it as best I can, but sometimes it can’t be helped. When she’s older and understands more I will do the same as I do with my eldest.

I am the opposite with my personal social media. I have higher security settings on my accounts, so know that only people I have accepted are able to see the photos and videos I put on, I also call them by their names on my private social media.


Obviously the aim of writing a blog is to build a following, which means you can’t truly vet who is following you, yes you can have a quick browse through their account, but when some of them are private it’s hard to do unless they allow you to follow them back. The more followers you get the harder it becomes to keep track of everyone. Therefore I have taken as many steps as possible to protect my children as much as I can, whilst still talking about family life and life as a mummy within my blog.

If I want to make a go of this, and hopefully somehow, somewhere down the line monetise my blog, (I haven’t figured that part out yet!) then my reasoning is this:

In a “normal” job role I would go out to work on my own, and that part of my life stays completely separate. I wouldn’t take my children to work with me and my colleagues would only know what I told them about my children, in some cases they may never meet them, or even know what they look like.


I feel like I should take a similar approach to my blogging. I am conscientious when it comes to job roles, so I should be conscientious when it comes to blogging. I am very aware that I am putting myself out there, and it is my choice to do so, it’s not my children’s choice.

That in itself brings challenges and means that I have to take a little more time before posting, to make sure, firstly that their faces are obscured, but also that there is nothing in the background with their names on, or anything else that could identify them, or our neighbourhood. (I once watched someone’s story, they were out walking near where they live and I saw a street name) It makes it all more time consuming but, as I said above I am trying to be conscientious with it.

Some of you might think I’m being over protective, some might do the same, and some might be the opposite. Whatever you choose to do with your social media is your choice.

So I ask you, fellow bloggers, to share or not to share? What is your approach to blogging? Do you share anything and everything or take measures to obscure your children’s identities? x


So, I have an announcement to make….

I posted on my instastories a few weeks ago that I had been struggling a bit recently. Particularly at work. I had become very self-conscious and lacking massively in confidence since returning to work part time, after having Munchkin no2.

As time has gone on, my confidence hasn’t improved and I have been finding myself feeling demoralised at the end of most shifts, questioning my decisions, and even my ability to do the job. I have always been confident in my job roles, so this is completely alien and uncomfortable to me.

The night before a shift, without fail I sleep poorly, and am then tired and anxious before going into work, already playing scenarios out in my head and trying to figure out what the appropriate way to respond to each situation could be. I then go on to spend the shift overthinking everything, even down to which conversations to get involved in.

After a lot of long discussions with hubby, and overcoming my reluctance to admit defeat, we have decided that it will be better, both for me and the family if I give up work all together until Munchkin no2 is school age and then look to go back to work then.

Currently hubby and I work opposite shifts and opposite weekends, which means that at the moment, unless one of us takes annual leave we have very little time together as a family, it’s always just one of us at home while the other one works. We also don’t get a lot of couple time together.

I have spent the last month working my notice. I have 2 shifts left to work. I am nervous and excited, in equal measures. I am nervous as the last time I had a long period of time off, I was on maternity leave. I suffered terribly with anxiety, which began when Munchkin no2 was 4 weeks old. It hit me like a bolt out the blue and left me battling physical symptoms.  I am telling myself that this was all due to my hormones and it will not happen again.

I have also started to put things in place, such as writing in my diary every night, finishing off with 3 things I’ve handled well that day, or 3 things I’m grateful for. I’ve also been going over my CBT notes again to re-enforce the messages I learnt back then. Just doing this over the last 2 days has boosted me, I think knowing that I am doing something to help myself is enough to calm me.

I’m excited about spending more time with the Munchkins, in particularly no2. As no1 is at school now, no2 is getting the one to one time that she’s been missing out on, having an older sister and all, so I am looking forward developing her speech with her, and doing more activities, just the two of us.

I am also hoping to expand on my blogging somehow. I really enjoy it, and have met some really lovely people, it is something that I have achieved by myself, for myself, and I am proud of it.

So that’s my big announcement! From this Friday I will be a stay at home mum. It’s been a big decision to make, but I think it is a positive move for the whole family.

Thank you all for your continued support, and thank you for reading! X

The Mother Hen Blog a day challenge, day 5. Someone I admire and why.

First of all I thought, “Should I choose someone famous?” But no-one really sprang to mind as someone I admire above others. So then I started thinking about someone closer to me, a friend or family member. I didn’t have to think for very long. The answer was staring me right in the face.

Hands down, the person that I ultimately truly admire is my husband. I know it’s a cliché and you probably think it a bit of a cop-out, but it’s true.


I wrote a long WordPress post about my miscarriage in 2013. We lost identical twins. In my post I talk about my husband and how he was there for me at that time.

No amount of words can describe how I feel about him now that we have been through that together. I always loved him, right from the start, but something changed. I saw him in a completely different way. My love for him changed. What I feel for him now is far deeper than love. Up until then we were ticking along nicely in our little relationship together. We had not faced anything like this before, nothing had really tested us as a couple.

I had no idea how something like this would affect me, until it happened. The only word I have ever used to describe how I felt was broken. I was completely broken and I was unable to fix myself. For a long time it felt like everyone else had moved on around me and the world had kept on spinning while I just stood still. Everyone else got on with their lives. Everyone else but him. He stayed with me, he stayed right by my side, patiently waiting for me to catch up.

He was hurting too, but he selflessly put his own feelings aside and looked after me. He understood that I had the physical side of things to deal with as well as the emotional side. He understood that this happened to my body, and that what needed to happen next would happen to my body and that is was my body that would feel the after effects.

wedding dance

My husband always said that he would only ever get married once. It was a big deal to both of us to make that commitment to each other, and he has more than held up his end of the bargain. I know he will always be there for me and for our children. When things get tough, he won’t just walk away, and he will stand by my side and face them with me. When I need his advice, I know he will be honest with me. When I need his love, I know he will be gentle with me. When I’m over thinking I know he will rationalise my thoughts, with one sentence. He is the calm in my storm, he is my clarity and my constant.

blowing kisses

So there you have it. The person I admire above all others and why.

Thank you for reading my soppy love story! X


The Mother Hen Blog a day challenge, Day 4:

20190314_054707My morning routine:

Both of my munchkins are early risers, and I find it so hard to pull myself together in the morning, when they’re both full of beans. I really struggle just making the breakfast sometimes, let alone hold down a conversation!

So I bought myself one of these clocks that has a sunrise setting on it. You set your alarm to the time you want to wake up and it starts the sunrise setting 30 minutes beforehand, allowing you to wake up gently and naturally. I’ve been using it a while now, however made the crucial mistake of setting it for the time I’d like to wake up, and NOT the time my munchkins actually get me up!

Ideally 6:30am is the latest I’d be able to wake up and still be on time for the school run, it’s also the absolute earliest I’d want to wake up, so naturally I set my alarm for that time. Unfortunately the munchkins have other ideas!

My youngest is usually up from 6am onwards, 6:10 if I’m lucky, so that’s 10 minutes into the sunrise setting and 20 minutes before my alarm actually goes off. After a few weeks I reluctantly adjusted it to 6:15am, to try and get a bit more sunrise!

This morning, however, she excelled all expectations and woke me up at 5am. 5AM!!!

Once she’s up, if my eldest is already up, I’ll lay in bed and scroll through my phone, while she goes into her room and climbs in her cot with her, and they play with their dollies for a while. If it’s really early (like 5am!) I’ll go and get her and either take her downstairs or bring her into my bed so she doesn’t wake up her sister, who needs her sleep for school, although she’s not usually far behind her!

My routine depends on what my husband is working. If he’s on nights I have to be up and showered and out of our room early (we have an en suite) so that he can go to bed as soon as he gets home and I don’t disturb him by coming in and getting ready. I’m also conscious of the girls making a lot of noise upstairs when we’re getting ready for school and he’s trying to sleep. If he’s on days he’s gone by 5am so I’ve got the run of the house and can take my time a bit more

Once I’ve had my shower and got dressed, (usually jeans and a vest top) I go down and start breakfast. The first thing I do is put the radio on. I like having the music on and listening to the presenters talking. I’m on my own with the girls the majority of the time, so that’s about the only adult conversation I have in the mornings until the school run!

I boil the kettle while I get the munchkins breakfast ready. They either have cereal and toast of scrambled egg and toast. Once they’ve got everything they need I do mine and we all sit at the table and eat. When we’ve all finished its upstairs to clean teeth, wash faces and get dressed.

Once both girls are washed and dressed I do my eldest’s hair. They then play while I clean my teeth, do my hair and make-up and put a jumper on. (Depending on time, sometimes I don’t get time to do any of that and end up just putting a tinted moisturiser on and scraping my hair back!) By this time I’m getting anxious about the school run and the parking situation. So I’m beginning to get a bit snappy when the munchkins aren’t listening and getting ready.

We head downstairs to have one last wee before we go, get shoes and coats on and I pack my daughter’s book bag for school. If I’m going shopping or out straight after the school run I get the changing bag ready.

Sometimes I have time to clean up after breakfast, which is putting all the plates and bowls in the dishwasher, washing up the girl’s drinks bottles and re-filling them. Washing down all the worktops and the table. Cleaning the coffee table in the living room, plumping the cushions, and wiping down sticky marks on the sofa and then hoovering through downstairs. If we are running late I do this when I get back from the school run.

I’ve usually got a load of washing to do, hang up, or sort and put away. Again my housework depends on what shifts my husbands is doing. If he’s on days I will clean upstairs daily, make the beds, tidy and hoover the rooms, and keep on top of the bathrooms cleaning wise. When he is on nights I try to avoid being upstairs too much so I don’t disturb him. I make sure the downstairs is clean daily. I tidy the girl’s bedrooms in the mornings, but leave my room as hubby just gets straight into bed more or less as I get out.  Cleaning our en suite will wake him up, so I leave it and give the whole room and en suite a deep clean once he’s finished.

I give munchkin no2 her lunch at around 11:30 and she’s usually in bed having her nap by 12. I make my lunch at the same time as hers, but I eat it when she’s in bed and I can actually enjoy a hot cup of tea! I usually sit for about half an hour and catch up on some TV while having my lunch, then I’ll prepare dinner for the evening, or get some other jobs done, like blog posts, phone calls I need to make, or other admin bits that I can’t do with a toddler around!

So that’s about it, a rough insight to my morning routine. I find the build up to the school run to be the most hectic part of the day, and breathe a sigh of relief when it’s done!

I’m looking forward to reading your routines! X

The Mother Hen Blog a day challenge. Day 3 (I skipped day 2 as I couldn’t think of a quote I try to live by!)

cancer zodiac signToday’s subject is:

Your zodiac sign and does it fit your personality.

My zodiac sign is Cancer. It is considered to be one of the most nurturing signs of the zodiac. I did some research before writing this post. I read a lot about the cancer sign being incredibly loyal and loving with friendships and relationships, and that they suffer deeply when things go wrong, or this isn’t reciprocated.

This is me in a nutshell! I am fiercely loyal, and would do anything for my family and close friends, however I have often been left disappointed – usually by friends, when they have done something to me that I would never have even imagined doing to them, or when they haven’t reciprocated my loyalty.

I also read a lot about cancer signs having trouble letting go because we are so sensitive. They’ve been described as suffering for a long time after an event, remembering it over and over, forgiving but not forgetting and retreating back into their “shell”

Again, this describes me pretty well! I am very sensitive and often read a lot more into a situation than there actually is. I have cut myself off from friends in the past after they have treated me badly, when I have been loyal to them. When I have felt their treatment of me to be unfair and unnecessary. I suppose that is me “retreating into my shell” of security where no-one can hurt me again.

Cancer signs are also described as having a thick outer shell, but a sensitive body underneath. They can come across as moody and hard to get to know. This is true of me. I have been told by a few people that they didn’t think I liked them when they first met me, however we have gone on to be great lifelong friends.

I was pleased to read that my perfect love match is Taurus. Which explains why hubby and I get on so well. I can honestly say we have been together for 12 years now and have never had a full-blown argument. We squabble and bicker, but have never had a proper fight or made each other really angry about anything. We’re just able to talk about things, even if we have differing opinions, we listen to each other’s side and make a decision together.

I used to be really into my horoscopes as a teenager, and would regularly read them, but I’ve kind of fallen out of that habit as I’ve gotten older. This has been a nice little research task for me tonight!

Thank you one again to Kathryn for coming up with the idea! x

10 interesting facts about me

Yesterday a blogger I follow, Kathryn Hendry, AKA the Mother Hen set up a 14 day blogging challenge.

Her Instagram page can be found here:

She has set the challenge to try and combat her own writer’s block and fall in love with writing again, and to also encourage others who want to join in! We are using the hashtag #motherhenblogchallenge for our posts.


So here goes, 10 interesting facts about me……

  1. I have a modern apprenticeship in aircraft engineering. I had no direction when I left school, I sort of knew what I might like to do, but my careers advisor basically laughed me out of the room. My older brother suggested an apprenticeship, and after a year of college I applied for one and got through. On my last year I received the apprentice of the year award, which was a massive deal for me at the time because I was one of only 4 women working on the shop floor in a factory of around 400!


  1. I no longer work in engineering! After 5 years I moved on, mainly due to one of the managers there not allowing me to expand my knowledge by working in different areas. Looking back I feel that he held me back. Every 6 months he’d come up with another reason why I couldn’t move areas. I’ve come across that a few times during my career, there is always someone else (usually a manager) making decisions about what they think is best for my career, Deciding when they think I’m ready for the next step, and in the meantime keeping me interested by dangling a carrot that promotion is on the cards, when in actual fact it never was (Not that I’m bitter or anything!)



  1. I’ve always wanted to be an actress, but never pursued it. When I went on maternity leave with my eldest I finally took the plunge and went on an introduction to acting course, which provided us with feedback at the end. I really loved it and it spurred me on to join my local theatre group. I’ve been in 2 plays with them and then took a break to have my youngest daughter, but am chomping at the bit to get back into it now she’s older!


  1. My biggest regret is not following my heart when I was younger and allowing myself to get directed into getting a “normal” job. I wish I’d studied drama at college when further education was free, now I have to pay for expensive adult education if I want to have any chance of following my dreams. I am realistic though and fully aware of how hard it is to get into acting professionally, and with a young family, it’s even harder, so for now I’ll stick to my little theatre group, then when the children are a bit older I can look into doing some more courses.



  1. I spend the majority of the time on my own with our 2 children, my eldest is 4 and my youngest is almost 2. Hubby works long hours, both day shifts and night shifts. When he’s on days he goes out at 5am and comes home at 7:30 – 7:45pm, so he doesn’t see the girls at all. When he’s on nights he goes out at dinner time and comes home at breakfast time, so he sees a bit more of the girls, but we don’t get a lot of time together. When I’m not with the girls I am at work myself! I work 2 days a week, and they slot in with my husband’s shifts, so that one of us is always at home with the girls.


  1. I chose my blog name because I always called my eldest daughter “My little munchkin” and then when my youngest came along it changed to “Munchkin no1” (my eldest, no1 because she was born first) and “Munchkin no2” Therefore it made sense call myself the Munchkin Maker, and Confessions of a Munchkin Maker had a nice ring to it!



  1. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 11 years. We met in Feb 2007, moved in together in July 2007, got engaged in September 2007 and then married a year after that.


  1. I was in one other long term relationship and a couple of “flash in the pan” relationships before my husband. The long term one left me with very little confidence. It started off well, and I really thought we would always be together (I was only 19 at the time though, he was 6 years older than me!) however after a car accident he became very controlling. He cheated on me, more than once, and would often compare me to other women in the street “why don’t you do your hair like that?” “Why don’t you dress like that?” you get the picture! He never hid the fact that he was checking out other women when I was with him.


Anyway, it took me 2 years to finally break away. I’d keep leaving, and then he’d reel me back in, he even told me that no-one else would ever love me if I ever left him, and that any other man I met would just use me for sex. Wow! That got serious pretty quickly didn’t it! Anyway, I had a couple of miss matches and then met my husband, who is hands down the best man I have ever met! He behaves in such a manner that I never have to question where he is, or who he’s with, he treats me with so much respect, he still carries the bags when we go shopping! He has so much patience with our girls, it is absolutely heart melting to see their bond. He has given me my confidence back, he tells me I’m sexy when I think I’m frumpy and that even after all these years he still find me attractive.


  1. My husband and I lost identical twins in April 2013. I did write a WordPress blog post about it, if you want to read it. All I will say is that it broke me, completely, and it was my husband that got me through. I have even more respect for him now, knowing how he can selflessly step up for me and put his own feelings aside, when I was unable to do the same for him at the time.


  1. I am really enjoying writing! Blogging is another thing I’ve wanted to do for years, but held myself back whenever I thought about setting a blog up. I’d tell myself I wouldn’t be any good at it, it’s too technical, I wouldn’t know how to get started, etc. But then late last year I finally gave myself the push I needed. I set up a WordPress blog, then an Instagram and FB page. I did make mistakes to begin with, during the set up, but I am taking my time with it and learning new things as I go. I’m getting braver and trying out different techniques, media and filters, and I am loving every minute of it! I’ve met some lovely supportive people and am slowly gaining followers. I look forward to posting every day, and love reading what everyone else is up to!

So that’s my 10 interesting facts, I hope they were interesting! It was actually was easier than I thought it would be. Once I started tapping away at the keyboard there was no stopping me!

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this, and thank you to Kathryn for coming up with the idea!


Bye for now! X



This is the locket my husband bought me….

IMG_12264th April 2013……………

I can honestly say, without a shadow of a doubt that this was the worst day of my life so far.

In early 2013 we found out through an early scan that the one baby we were expecting was actually identical twins. I was over the moon and couldn’t wait for our little family to arrive.

Everything was fine until 11 weeks, when I began spotting and went to the hospital. They performed an ultrasound scan to show that both babies were fine inside. We saw both heartbeats and both babies were very animated on the screen. I remember laughing with my husband at how funny they looked moving about.

We went home reassured that everything was ok. However just one week, a mere 7 days later my routine 12 week scan revealed that both our twins had died. I can still remember every detail of what happened that day and the day that followed.

I remember laying on the bed and looking at the screen in front of me whilst the sonographer looked at her screen. Almost immediately I couldn’t see their heartbeats. I told myself not to look, and that I didn’t really know what I was looking for so I looked up at the ceiling. After a moment I needed to look again, so I did, and again I was unable to see any heartbeats. Then the sonographer said the words that made my heart sink “I’m not sure what’s going on so I’m just going to go and get a second opinion”

She left the room and I told my husband that I couldn’t see any heartbeats. He said that he hadn’t seen them either. I began to worry and get upset. He tried his best to reassure me, and told me to just wait and see what they say when they come back in.

When the sonographer came back into the room with her colleague I didn’t give her a chance to say anything, I blurted out “you’re going to tell me they’re gone aren’t you?” she replied that she just needed to have another look. She scanned me again and within seconds said “I’m sorry, there are no heartbeats” She completed the scan and took measurements of the babies, even saying that they were both perfectly formed. I felt like shouting at her “So why are they dead then if they’re perfectly formed?!”

She then took us round to the early pregnancy unit where we were left in a waiting room for what seemed like an eternity, while she went back to scanning all the other pregnant women there that day.

The Dr who saw us was concerned that because it was a twin pregnancy, and that I had gotten to 12 weeks, if they allowed me to miscarry naturally there was a risk I could bleed heavily, so he advised that I have a D&C and booked me in for the following day.

After that a young nurse came in and handed us a pile of documents to complete. In amongst them, unknown to me was a consent form to determine what we wanted to be done with the twins’ “remains” once the D&C was completed. We had the choice of a burial or cremation, neither of which we would have any involvement with, it was all taken care of by the hospital. I found this really upsetting when I read it, as I wasn’t expecting to have to make that decision, and I also wasn’t warned that this document would be in there, it was just tucked in with all the others. When my husband saw it, and my reaction he took it straight out of my hand and gave it back to the nurse, who clearly hadn’t thought it through and just said “I don’t think we will be making that decision today”

I then had some blood taken and was sent home.

We had to be in the hospital early the next day, I remember the song “when I was your man” by Bruno Mars was playing on the radio as my husband drove me in, and to this day I cannot listen to that song without getting upset. If it comes on the radio I turn it off. I find the words upsetting and it just reminds me of the worst time in my life.

When we got to the hospital I requested another scan to make sure the twins were really gone. I wanted to double check before going through with the procedure as I felt as though I was aborting them. It had all happened so quickly the day before and I was clinging onto any chance there may have been a mistake.

The doctor was very understanding and said that he had actually pre-empted this so had put me on both surgery lists. I had the scan and got the confirmation I needed. I had a complete mixture of emotions prior to the procedure. I thought I might feel better once it had been completed as I did not like the thought of them being dead inside of me, but I also didn’t want them to go either. I knew I wouldn’t get to see, I wouldn’t even know where they were when I woke up.

The nurse who dealt with us before the procedure was a lot more understanding and actually went through the paperwork with us, step by step. She spoke about the document that had upset me and explained it all to us before we made a decision.

Just before I was about to go down to theatre it was discovered that the blood sample they had taken the day before had my name spelt incorrectly on it, so I had to have another one done, which followed me down to theatre.

Throughout the whole process my husband was my absolute rock. He held it together all day while I was just a complete mess. Broken and laying in a hospital bed while people came in poking and prodding me. Then having to have a general anaesthetic and a procedure to remove my dead babies from my body. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and not have to go through with what was about to happen to me.

After the procedure I was in quite a bit of pain, so the anaesthetist gave me morphine. This didn’t agree with me and I began vomiting. The hospital staff wouldn’t let me go home until I passed urine. However every time I took on fluid I threw it up again. I spent the whole day in hospital, drinking water and throwing it back up again. In the end they were talking about admitting me to a ward overnight, but all I wanted to do was go home and be with my husband so I could cry in private and not in front of all these strangers.

As a last attempt they suggested my husband take me out of the recovery room and around the hospital for a bit. As soon as I got back I tried to go to the toilet and finally managed it! They said I could go home.

I then had the long journey of grief to get through. Before the miscarriage I considered myself to be quite a strong person emotionally, I didn’t often let things upset me, I was able to rationalise things and move on.

I had no idea just how this experience would affect me and before this happened to me I couldn’t understand why other women continued to talk about their losses years afterwards. I now have so much more respect for those women, and I can see what an immense, life altering experience this is. I felt completely broken, nothing made sense anymore.

I just wanted my babies back, why were they taken from me when I did everything right? From the moment I became pregnant, I ate and drank everything I needed to, I took all the right vitamins, and I still lost them. It was so unfair, when there were other women out there falling pregnant at the drop of a hat, some not even wanting their babies, some not looking after their babies, some even abusing their babies, and my husband and I had it all ripped from us. We would have adored our twins, kept them safe and done the best we could for them.

Whilst I was having my D&C my husband went and bought me this locket. He gave it to me when I woke up from the anaesthetic, he told me that he would put a picture of each of our twins in either side from their last live scan, the one we had at 11 weeks when we saw them moving around.

I wore that locket every single day, and bought 2 charms to go on the chain, identical, like our twins. I stopped wearing it every day when I got a new job working with children with behavioural problems. I stopped because I didn’t want any of the kids there to ask me about it and then use it to hurt me when they were having a bad time, so to protect myself I stopped wearing it. I keep it safe and wear it when I get dressed up and go out, but I regret not being stronger and keeping it on no matter what, I feel as though I’ve let them down somehow by leaving it off.

Recently the clasp has started to come open on its own. I hadn’t looked at the pictures for a while, but when I did I saw that one of them has faded more than the other. It’s the one that sits closest to my skin. It made me sad to see them fading away, it was like I was losing them all over again.

For a long time I had to just exist in my life, I clung on to my husband and his words of wisdom. Every day I’d finish work and if he was on a night shift I’d go to his work and he’d sit with me for a while then I’d go home, because I didn’t want to be on my own with my grief. I kept repeating the same things over and over again, I couldn’t get out of that place of darkness. But loyal and patient as ever, he kept repeating the same answers to me over and over again. He never got frustrated or annoyed with me. He never told me to start getting over it. He never rushed me to move on with my life. He accepted me as I was. When the dust settled and everyone else had moved on with their lives he was the only certain thing left in my life. He stayed with me in my grief, he waited for me.

What happened to us made me see him in a completely different light. Losing the twins tested us, it made us stronger. My husband really stepped up and I am in absolute awe of him. He is the strongest, most reliable, caring, gentle and patient man I know. He was there when I needed him the most, putting his own grief aside so he could focus on mine, being strong for me when I was unable to be strong for him. I will never forget what he did for me. He got me through the worst time in my life, what happened to us could have split us, but it didn’t; and it’s because of him.

Thank you for reading, I hope it has been helpful to you. X

I have a terrible habit…….


You wouldn’t think it to look at these nails, but I have a terrible habit……..

This terrible habit has been an ongoing issue for me since Childhood. Its almost become an obsession over time, an addiction if you will. It’s a habit of picking at the skin along the side of my nails. I continuously pick until I create a skin tag, then I pull it and it bleeds. The pain stops me in my tracks for a few minutes and then I start again, even though I have just made my skin bleed.

As a rule I don’t like long nails and I’ve always kept mine short, but I have noticed that I am less able to cause damaged to my skin when my nails are longer. I still do the picking and feeling motion but there seems to be less skin there to pick at.

I have looked this up so many times over the years trying to find an answer as to why I do this and why I can’t stop myself, my husband tried for a long time to remind me every time he saw me picking but within seconds I’d be doing it again. I do it CONSTANTLY. When I drive, when I watch TV, when I’m in meetings, when I’m with my family, or with friends

It’s an incredibly frustrating cycle, I cut my nails, within days I’m picking at the skin along the sides, I make my fingers bleed and hurt, I regret picking but I can’t help myself, I keep picking, I try to stop but I can’t, my nails grow out a bit and my skin starts to heal. I cut my nails and it starts all over again.

I don’t ever remember a time when I haven’t done this and I have made my fingers very sore over the years. It peaked last year and I was picking more than ever. A day wouldn’t go by when I didn’t have a plaster on one or more of my fingers. My hands were so sore that it hurt to pick up or hold things and I had to wear gloves whenever I cleaned anything as the chemicals made them sting even more.

In addition I also saw my eldest daughter doing it one day (she’s only 4). I told her not to and said that she would make her fingers sore and she replied “like yours” my heart sank, I didn’t think she knew. I try so hard not to show my anxieties so that I won’t pass any bad habits into her and I ended up doing it anyway.

That prompted me to make a serious attempt to stop this once and for all. I started growing my nails and have been having gel polish manicures. This was completely new territory for me, I didn’t even know what gel polish was or how it worked. I was stunned when they told me it had set in seconds and I didn’t have to wait for it to dry!

However, my nails became very weak after just 3 manicures, and began tearing and bending back, I had all the polish taken off and cut them back, but when they grew again they were so thin and fragile that they just started bending back again, and of course, as they were growing, the picking started up again.

I decided to switch from a salon to a mobile nail technician. She was so lovely and friendly, she listened to my concerns and gave me advice on what I could do to strengthen and hydrate my nails. She has been so helpful, and has enabled my nails to grow so much stronger. They grow ridiculously fast now, and feel so strong!

I have kept this up, and it is working, my skin is completely healed, and my nails look lovely to boot! However, even now I still do the picking and feeling motion, so I know that if I did ever cut my nails back the picking would start up again just where I’d left off………

As I said before I’ve looked this up a number of times over the years, and even spoke to a CBT therapist about it, but could never get a definite answer as to why I do this, what has triggered it, and is it even a thing? Is it something other people do, or am I alone? Am I a freak?

I looked it up again last year when the picking was at its worst and I was at the end of my tether with it, I just wanted to stop and have hands that didn’t hurt anymore, but I couldn’t physically stop myself from doing it, no matter how hard I tried, even with my husband reminding me.

I finally came across a name for this overpowering obsession. It is called Excoriation (skin picking disorder)

From reading articles what I saw really resonated with me, as I read I found myself nodding along with the words. This was me! This was exactly what I do and have done for years! Finally I had an answer! It IS a thing!

I learnt that it a repetitive “self-grooming” behaviour called “Body Focussed Repetitive Behaviour (BFRB) and is classified as a type of OCD because of the compulsive urge to perform repetitive behaviours. This explained why I am unable to stop, even now, without any skin there to pick I still do that repetitive motion, feeling the skin around the sides of my nails.

So now I know. There are other people out there who do this, and it is an actual disorder.

I read that it can be treated with therapy and medication, but I am reluctant to go down that route, and haven’t even seen a GP to have it officially diagnosed. I am just happy to know what it is. I still don’t know what triggered it off, I just know I have always done it. I do think it gets worse during times of stress and I was suffering with very bad anxiety symptoms at its height.

For now I have found a solution, growing my nails and having them manicured, and if that ever stops working I will try and find another solution. I have lived with this disorder for the majority of my life, not even know that it was a disorder. I have found a way to minimise its effects on my life, and now I have beautiful nails and actually look a bit feminine for once!

Thank you to Georgie for giving me such beautiful nails!